Resolving Interpersonal Conflict

What is interpersonal conflict? Interpersonal conflict is defined as a disagreement between two parties. It may occur between individuals or groups of individuals. It can occur in a workplace or a social setting. Interpersonal violence is in reality the most outward expression of interpersonal conflict .

While the use of violence, is very tempting, it does has its downside. Let us consider interpersonal violence for a moment using the biblical David vs Goliath example. As we all know David killed Goliath using a stone and slingshot to fight for what seemed right to them. Sure it might have felt good to David and even acceptable in a world where it is OK to crucify people and assassinate emperors once in a few months to years, in the modern world, David will have been arrested , tried and spend many many years having free food and lodging. In other words, jail. In fact, we usually find that violence begets more violence until destruction occurs to all involved. At a social level, conflict can lead into war and can even tear countries apart. For example, a recent theory suggested that the most important cause in the fall of the Roman Empire was its frequent civil wars weakened the Empire and made it more vulnerable to barbarian attack. Coming back to our interpersonal level, violence can lead to societal problems. Just look at the recent news articles of local road rage, sometimes the road rage incident even ends up in punches. Look at this example (http://www.todayonline.com/Singapore/EDC110202-0000189/Spared-jail-for-road-rage)of this NUS PhD student being charged in court for road rage. Even though, he didn't have to go to jail, not only going to court wasn't fun, but his reputation is certainly ruined (See, we are already talking about his road rage already and not about his research). How can we cut down on such incidents in Singapore? While, I acknowledge that we inherited our capacity for aggression from our animal ancestors, we should look at more civilized ways to resolve issues. After all, is that what our highly developed brains are for?

What i think the most common cause of interpersonal conflict is chemistry. Just that there are chemicals that you should not place at the same shelf, there will be definitely be some people you will never get along due to some personality issues etc. While some people believe that the ability to get along with a great variety of type of people is marker of good interpersonal skills, I don't agree that is the case. Take this analogy for example. Anyone who has played strategy games (like Total War)would probably know that using your calvary against spear infantry is a good way to lose your calvary. But do we think calvary are totally useless? No, we recognize that calvary does more better for attacking certain units and send them what they do best at like attacking archers or something. We do not send calvary to the spear men and hope that they will win sooner or later. Thus, there are some people whom we get along better than others and thus we should not be judged as socially incompetent because of our interpersonal failures. Heck, I have NS colleagues whom I didn't get along well with and they will probably think I can be a bastard to work with. But no one else have questioned my teamwork skills. Thus, to prevent interpersonal conflict we need to choose our closest associates carefully. Like our friends, girlfriend and project mates etc.

How can we resolve interpersonal conflict? People need to deal with the problem directly,especially with empathy, warmth and with a sense of connection. They need integrity to convey that they are sincere in the resolution. They need to create a safe space by avoiding blame and stop assuming what they are thinking is the truth. They need to stop the conflict and reach a win win situation, even if that means compromising. If everyone can remember these principles we will probably have a more peaceful world.

For example, what if you have a girlfriend and her parents really don't like you and they actively try to break you up? Well, asking them to f**k off and stop interfering as love is a matter of 2 people only is a solution, but you will only prolong your war and incur some collateral damage to your girlfriend. The more socially “civilized” way to resolve this situation is to find a suitable time to sit down with them and find out the reasons for their objection and try to win them over with empathy. and some presents. Of course, there is always elopement, but at least you tried the more diplomatic methods first. Just like in Power Rangers, never escalate a battle until you are forced to. (Any better ideas from you readers?)